I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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