we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
