I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
