Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
