Betty ford says i'm here all night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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