He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
