when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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