I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
