please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
