Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Randomize
