OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
