ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So much rum. So many feels.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
