you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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