Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
