well I can't set my house on fire every night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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