I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
