Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
