what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
