Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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