Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
