the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
