Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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