hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
