i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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