I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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