good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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