Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
