I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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