My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
