Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
