this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
