Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
