I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
