I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
