the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she told me i tasted like america
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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