Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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