i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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