I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
