I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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