I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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