I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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