Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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