apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
