I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
