I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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