I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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