I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
