and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
