I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
