Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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