You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
