I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Did I show you my penis last night?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
